We went to the (large, national) movie theater this weekend to see Public Enemies and decided, both of us, to have a small Diet Coke and small popcorn as just a little pick-me-up to get us to dinner.
Thus began what is probably the worst consumer experience in America, played out daily at a movie theater new you.
First, if you know what movie popcorn and Diet Coke cost to make, you already know that the food-buying experience at a movie theater is grand larceny. The justification we make to ourselves, of course, is that going out to the movies is an experience—if we wanted to save money we’d stay home, drink refreshing tap water, and watch Hulu. So, we think, we’re treating ourselves to a night out--what’s a little highway robbery?
However, it doesn’t stop there. The nice lady behind the counter next tries the so-called “upsell,” a way of adding injury to insult, which goes something like, “For a dollar less I can upgrade you to a giant Diet Coke and a colossal popcorn.”
We used to try this little number in cable television back in the 1980s. A reluctant subscriber would say, "No, I don’t want 50 channels for $19.95 a month because I don’t watch TV." And, in our brilliant reading of the selling situation, we would respond, “Well, in that case, I can give you 100 channels for $29.95 a month! That’s a deal you can’t possibly turn down!”
So, “No thanks,” you say, “I couldn’t drink a giant Diet Coke in a week,” only to have the nice lady smile and wink and say, “I can give you free refills with that!”
(I get it now. First prize is a week in Philadelphia. Second prize is two weeks in Philadelphia. Later, in the Men’s Room, I take a hard look in the mirror: When did I start looking stupid?)
When this offer of munificence is declined, the nice lady then moves on to the so-called “suggestive sell,” which is a simple “How about some candy with that?”
Oy.
Finally, when you’ve declined all 12,000 calories and are about to happily pay $15.00 for some 40 cents of corn and syrup, the nice lady says, “For only a dollar more I can add a box of Airheads!”
Vey.
Like relentless on-line spam promising to enhance our various body parts, someone must be falling for this upsell and suggestive sell and Airhead sell, because the theater just keeps doing it.
Now, though, the crushing blow: I walk over to customer service just before the movie for some help with a ticket, and while I’m standing there I see a sheet of instructions, posted on the wall in yellow, clearly in view of any and every customer requiring service. The instructions—I kid you not—spell out in 24-font a reminder to all counter help to push the Airhead sale this month (after, of course, the suggestive sell and the upsell) because the theater with the most candy-sold-per-person wins a crew party!
I take some small comfort in knowing that at least there’s a compelling economic reason—a crew party for the nice ladies behind the counter—to be treated like consumer dunces.
I suppose it's like the old joke, where the guy asks the lady if she'll sleep with him for a million dollars. She says, "Well, yes.'' He then asks, "How about for a dollar?" She says, "Of course not! What do you think I am?" To which he replies, "We already know what you are. Now we're just determining your price."
By standing in line for food at a movie theater, we've already announced what we are. Now the nice lady behind the country just wants to determine our price.
I sure hope everyone at the crew party will be served a giant Diet Coke and colossal popcorn. There will, I know, be no Airheads served because they will all be happily lining up at the counter to order food before the next movie.
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