Men are From Mars, Women are From Hallmark

I went card shopping today to find an anniversary card for friends. It’s fair to say that there’s some pretty wretched stuff out there in the form of maudlin, ragged, iambic pentameters stuffed into $5.00 cards.

It takes two special people,
To make a loving pair.
There’s a joy just being around you,
A feeling we love to share.

(I do not like them, Sam I Am. . . .)

Or short sentiments that make your teeth hurt.

Because we can't call people without wings angels, we call them friends instead.

Oy.

Consequently, I found myself in the Shoebox section of the Hallmark aisle.

Shoebox cards are written by people who, I’m pretty sure, worked for the Harvard Lampoon and are on the waiting list as writers for Saturday Night Live, sending the stuff Hallmark rejects to the Onion. (I wavered over one that started, “Your butt cheeks are sagging,” but decided against it. Needless to say, we know this couple really well.)

At night Shoebox people contract out as 800-number astrologers and fortune tellers. A Shoebox cocktail party would be a memorable one, with lampshades used in all kinds of unspeakable ways, I’m guessing.

It comes as no surprise that Hallmark and other card companies go through the same marketing discipline we all do, segmenting their market into buying groups and then creating, in the case of Hallmark, “commoditized sentiment” that appeals to that group. In David Ellis Dickerson’s new book, House of Cards, he details his years working for Hallmark—a kind of Dilbertesque box-canyon for a guy with a masters degree in fine arts.

Dickerson tells us that women represent nearly 90% of the card market, causing Hallmark to segment along themes such as “How Much You Mean,” and “Thinking of You.”

Care to guess the most popular theme for men?

I’ll count to 5.

Yep. It’s known as SELD, or “Seldom Say,” and is described by Dickerson as “I know I don’t say it very often, but for what it’s worth I love you and here’s a card.”

Ever bought one of those, gents? Ever bought anything BUT one of those?

Of course you have. Cause you’re in the market segment (roughly 95% of men) that often needs the one that starts, “I know this is belated” and THEN goes on to say “I know I don’t say it very often but blah blah blah.”

I’m betting that’s the second most popular male theme, SJFA (Stupid Jerk Forgets Again).

The anniversary card I finally bought has the guy on the front singing MC Hammer’s song, “Da da da da, Can’t touch this.” You open it up and the gal is replying, “For the last time, I don’t WANT to touch it.”

Made me laugh out loud.

By the way, for you Marketing types: I can’t explain the numbers either. There are roughly as many women as men in America. That means there are roughly as many birthdays for women as for men, and an identical number of anniversaries. So, how do men manage to purchase just 10% of all greeting cards?

There is one (and only one) plausible explanation: Women must be buying cards for themselves.

All of which means men really are from Mars. But women, we now know, are just coming back from the Hallmark store.

Posted by Entrepreneur Generations